TEG Life Lessons

Aspirational Goals for Better Relationships

BASICS

• Common core values, e.g. kindness, honesty.  Do what you say you will do.

• Compatible demeanor, e.g. optimism, humor, helpfulness, gratitude.

• Solid friendship, based on mutual respect and trust. Flexibility and resilience also help.

• Readiness to be emotionally open, available, and vulnerable.

• Strong desire to understand and help each other grow, and to be their very best.

• Willingness to make the relationship and its maintenance an important priority.

CONTINUING COMMITMENTS  (Golden-Rule Stuff)

• Practice kindness, patience, trustworthiness, mutuality, reciprocity.

• Strive to maximize appreciation, affection, tenderness… and joy / laughter!

• Provide a safe emotional environment for communication and disagreement, to wit:

• Always give the benefit of the doubt and presume good intentions.

• Never disrespect or denigrate the other person or their beliefs.

• Remember that everyone wants and deserves to be valued and loved.

PROBLEM PREVENTION

• Be positive and optimistic; focus on seeing and appreciating the good.

• Deliver criticism or negative / disappointing messages with sugar and kindness.

• If in doubt, ask  --don’t assume.

• Be clear about your preferences and desires; Be explicit and direct… but gentle!

• Assume counter-suggestions are welcome  --but silence will be taken as assent.

• Don’t let frustrations fester, or pretend all is well.  Avoid passive-aggressive spiral.

• Consider regular check-ins; ask what (if anything) has annoyed or disappointed you.

• Consider Why My Family Talks About Peaches and Pits Every Night at Dinner

• Establish a daily habit of thinking about how to strengthen the relationship.

• Remember the power of smiles, hugs, words of affirmation, and terms of endearment.

• Continually add to the shared reservoir of good vibes and positive experiences.

DAMAGE CONTROL

• Resolve to talk thru problems ASAP (unless immediate response would inflame).

• Revisit hurtful comments thru lens of good intentions; get to underlying reasons.

• If either person gets defensive, be patient and don’t escalate.

• If either person is being clueless or oblivious, gently help clue them in, without disdain.

• Remember the good times, and why the relationship is worth fighting for.

SUCCESS INDICATORS (Questions for EACH partner to ask)

• When together do I feel:  Happy? Loved? Adored? Warm? Trusted? Connected?

• Are affection and tenderness flowing in both directions?  

• Is being together a joy that energizes, not a chore that exhausts?

• Are there opportunities for us to co-create and/or jointly make a positive difference?

• Do I feel good about our balance of mutual contribution and commitment?

• Do I feel you are interested in learning what makes me tick and supporting my goals?

• Are my accommodations to your lifestyle comfortable (i.e. they don’t pinch)?

• Is our balance of “solo/alone” and “joint/together” time comfortable?

• Do we have good conversations and frequent laughter?

• Do I feel like a wanted / integral part of your world, not an outsider waiting to be let in?

• Do I want to be with you more than anything else on earth?

Terry Gray  (22 Jan 2022)